Conflict Resolution & The Holidays
Holidays can breed stress. Contending with crowded stores, long lines, traffic jams, juggling priorities, and worrying about spending too much money often causes our worst personality traits to emerge. And, particularly, when extended family members gather for the holidays, conflict is inevitable.
A room with 20 people is a room with 20 different perspectives.
Thankfully, we have enlisted the expertise of Caroline Megargel, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at Active & Connected Family Therapy. We sat down with Caroline and asked all of your burning questions regarding familial boundaries, dealing with family traditions, and even the role of technology in familial conflict.
Caroline walks us through steps to take when boundaries and tough conversations arise during the tumultuous holiday season with helpful, tangible actions you can integrate into your everyday life for more balanced mental health in 2024.
ABOUT CAROLINE
Caroline Megargel, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with Active & Connected Family Therapy, specializes in supporting children, teens, and families facing mental health challenges, life transitions, and parental divorce. With expertise in teen anxiety, depression, trauma, and disordered eating, Caroline is passionate about increasing a sense of connection between family members. She earned her Masters of Social Work from Boston College in 2016 and has practiced as an outpatient therapist with A&C in Charlottesville since 2018.
MANAGING EXPECTATIONS & BOUNDARIES
WR: In your experience, how do you guide families in managing and communicating their expectations around holiday celebrations to minimize potential conflicts?
CM: My number one piece of advice around holiday expectations is to clearly and thoughtfully communicate your expectations rather than assuming. We so often assume that other people in our family know what is important to us–a big meal, a family walk, a trip to see sparkly lights–or how to help us. And while sometimes our family does know, assuming they do sets us up for more conflict. I recommend asking for input around events, giving family members an opportunity to share preferences, and then creating a plan. This also gives kids in particular a sense that their opinion matters. If you need help, delegate across your family members. Remember that it is most likely impossible to make everyone happy. It is healthy and appropriate to set boundaries and expectations for your family members–that may mean saying no to a specific request or event because of what’s best for your nuclear family. And, just like in day to day life, sometimes conflict is inevitable. Rather than try to make the entire holiday seamless, I often look for “glimmers”–the quick, fleeting moments where there is joy, calm, laughter or sweet chaos.
In addition, if you anticipate you are going to be in a stressful situation over the holiday, you can also practice the skill of coping ahead:
Identify the stressful situation
Think about what feelings might come up for you: Anxiety? Anger? Frustration? Sadness?
Make a plan for how you will cope with the situation and your emotions; what problem-solving resources or coping skills can you use?
Rehearse in your mind: imagine being in the tough situation and successfully using your coping skills
TECHNOLOGY & THE HOLIDAYS
WR: With the rise of technology, how do you approach discussions about screen time, social media, and virtual connections during holiday gatherings to maintain meaningful interactions?
CM: Conversations around screen time and social media can be difficult for families. As adults, we often set limits on screen time for our children or teenagers that we then don’t follow ourselves. While I could chat about this for hours, there are a few things we can think about:
As an adult, I need to model the screen time and social media behaviors that I am expecting from others in my family, especially teenagers. If I want my children to put their phones down, I need to do this, too.
Set expectations ahead of time, if possible, rather than in the moment. For example, saying something like, “Hey, while your cousins are here tomorrow I would really like to have us put our phones away… of course you can check-in with your friends from time to time, but I’d really like us to spend time together.”
Use technology to your advantage! If you need a break, or you want to enjoy a meal while there are toddlers around, I think it’s totally ok to allow them some screen time so you get to talk to other adults. Or, if you have teens or tweens in your house, you are already aware that this is often how they interact, and you can use this to facilitate connection within your family with something like HeadsUp, jackbox.tv, or even creating a funny TikTok together (that you don’t necessarily have to post).
Expect more meltdowns around technology because everyone is out of their routine. It just happens :)
FAMILY TRADITIONS & THE HOLIDAYS
WR: When family members have conflicting ideas about holiday traditions, how do you facilitate discussions that lead to compromises and shared experiences?
CM: In my mind, part of the difficulty of the holidays is how closely joy and grief can sit side by side. Traditions are an intersection between the past, present, and future, so they may stir up many emotions for us. For some, it may be a longing for the past, while for others it may be a desire to jump into a life stage of the future. Traditions are developmental; what I mean by this is that as our families change–perhaps through a happy addition, an unexpected loss, divorce, or marriage–our traditions have to grow and change, too. And sometimes this means that our long-term traditions no longer fit for where we are in life. Personally, the long meals and late nights I used to spend with my sisters and their husbands have transitioned into squeals of excitement from toddler-aged cousins, days at the playground and many tears from the littles. Both recent stages have been simultaneously magical and challenging.
I frequently hear from parents how difficult it is when children become disinterested in a once beloved tradition, and I hear from children how weird it feels when life stages change and they’re unsure of their place in the holiday season. I was just talking to a close friend recently who told me that she went to dinner with her youngest child and three other mother-son dates, and that it will absolutely be a new tradition. This exemplifies that things can become traditions instantly, when we may not have even known we needed them.
WANT TO LEARN MORE?
Active & Connected has several licensed therapists in and around the Charlottesville, Richmond, and Central Virginia area to connect with.